Have you ever had a “God, shey me and you dey fight?” moment?
I’ll tell you for free that it’s not a pleasant one.
Now playing: Jonathan McReynolds’ Make Room album.
I have avoided writing on this blog because I didn’t want my sadness to reflect but what’s the point of having a personal blog if I can’t pour myself into words.
The last few weeks has had me questioning everything because things seem to be working upside down from where I’m sitting. On my birthday, I made a post where I confidently wrote that my crying days were over but my tear glands didn’t get the memo because everyday since the death of Tina was announced, I have bawled my eyes out. Everyday.
I find myself crying at the slightest provocation because of how helpless I feel. Everyday since Tina’s death, a new rape case or unlawfully killing case has come up and I find myself struggling with living with the fear of not knowing if I’d be next and the fear of not knowing what I’m actually doing with my life. I recently tried to send mails to the people on my mailing list and because it wasn’t working as I wanted it to, I shut my laptop and started to cry. Is this not madness?
It’s insane how you could be on social media screaming “No means no” but in real life, street urchins are using both their hands and eyes to feast on your body before you even have the chance to say no. If you try to ‘reason with them’ and explain why what they’re doing is wrong, best believe that they’re narrating to their cohorts how soft your body is while marking the body of the next girl they plan to touch.
All of these coupled with personal struggles have made me question my sanity a lot of times. I’d sometimes sit on the floor with my belly lose and ask myself “na me be this?” because of how much I have to handle at once.
I have now mastered the art of skillfully avoiding giving people advice or talks to motivate them because it feels like I’m pouring from an empty cup. Saying “you’re going to be fine and everything is going to work out” when I don’t believe it myself seems hypocritical. I recently played around and found myself picking up interest in makeup and I discovered it was therapeutic for me, progressing from the worse to bad gave me a little bit of hope that something was still working in my life.
This doesn’t change the fact that I have let a lot doubts settle in. Doubting myself, my faith, God, my craft, my decisions, my journey, adulthood, my growth and a lot of other things have become my favorite past time. In total summary, I feel like a fraud.
Having to doubt God may or may not break you because He’s literally the first in your life and it feels like you’re disconnecting from the source. It felt that way for me but I couldn’t say this to anyone because I’d be looked at like I’m crazy. My friend had to say her story for me to open up to her because I finally found someone that could relate to what I was feeling about my faith in God at that moment.
We talked about it, we ranted , we complained and we decided that we were going to try to work towards trusting him. It’s not a day’s job and we plan to take it as slow as possible till we can get back on track.
Now playing: Sauti Sol’s Brighter days.
If like me, you’re going through what doesn’t feel normal to you, I really hope you find the strength to wade through it in one piece. I also hope that you also have a strong support system who would have your back as much as you’d have theirs.
Hopefully, we’d get through this.
Happy new month, love.
HOW ARE YOU?
HOW BAD DID THIS PANDEMIC HIT YOU?
HAVE YOU BEEN ABLE TO UTILIZE THIS PANDEMIC WELL?
HAVE YOU HAD TROUBLE CREATING?
DO YOU NEED HELP CREATING?