There’s still a little bit of hope to hold on to.

Have you ever had a “God, shey me and you dey fight?” moment?

No?

I’ll tell you for free that it’s not a pleasant one.

Now playing: Jonathan McReynolds’ Make Room album.

I have avoided writing on this blog because I didn’t want my sadness to reflect but what’s the point of having a personal blog if I can’t pour myself into words.

The last few weeks has had me questioning everything because things seem to be working upside down from where I’m sitting. On my birthday, I made a post where I confidently wrote that my crying days were over but my tear glands didn’t get the memo because everyday since the death of Tina was announced, I have bawled my eyes out. Everyday.

Rest In Peace Tina Ezekwe.
Rest In Peace Uwa

I find myself crying at the slightest provocation because of how helpless I feel. Everyday since Tina’s death, a new rape case or unlawfully killing case has come up and I find myself struggling with living with the fear of not knowing if I’d be next and the fear of not knowing what I’m actually doing with my life. I recently tried to send mails to the people on my mailing list and because it wasn’t working as I wanted it to, I shut my laptop and started to cry. Is this not madness?

It’s insane how you could be on social media screaming “No means no” but in real life, street urchins are using both their hands and eyes to feast on your body before you even have the chance to say no. If you try to ‘reason with them’ and explain why what they’re doing is wrong, best believe that they’re narrating to their cohorts how soft your body is while marking the body of the next girl they plan to touch.

All of these coupled with personal struggles have made me question my sanity a lot of times. I’d sometimes sit on the floor with my belly lose and ask myself “na me be this?” because of how much I have to handle at once.

I have now mastered the art of skillfully avoiding giving people advice or talks to motivate them because it feels like I’m pouring from an empty cup. Saying “you’re going to be fine and everything is going to work out” when I don’t believe it myself seems hypocritical. I recently played around and found myself picking up interest in makeup and I discovered it was therapeutic for me, progressing from the worse to bad gave me a little bit of hope that something was still working in my life.

My first makeup attempt
My fourth makeup attempt

This doesn’t change the fact that I have let a lot doubts settle in. Doubting myself, my faith, God, my craft, my decisions, my journey, adulthood, my growth and a lot of other things have become my favorite past time. In total summary, I feel like a fraud.

Having to doubt God may or may not break you because He’s literally the first in your life and it feels like you’re disconnecting from the source. It felt that way for me but I couldn’t say this to anyone because I’d be looked at like I’m crazy. My friend had to say her story for me to open up to her because I finally found someone that could relate to what I was feeling about my faith in God at that moment.

We talked about it, we ranted , we complained and we decided that we were going to try to work towards trusting him. It’s not a day’s job and we plan to take it as slow as possible till we can get back on track.

Now playing: Sauti Sol’s Brighter days.

If like me, you’re going through what doesn’t feel normal to you, I really hope you find the strength to wade through it in one piece. I also hope that you also have a strong support system who would have your back as much as you’d have theirs.

Hopefully, we’d get through this.

Happy new month, love.

HOW ARE YOU?

HOW BAD DID THIS PANDEMIC HIT YOU?

HAVE YOU BEEN ABLE TO UTILIZE THIS PANDEMIC WELL?

HAVE YOU HAD TROUBLE CREATING?

DO YOU NEED HELP CREATING?

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74 Comments

  1. Oyindamola July 1, 2020 at 7:58 am

    Happy new month to you too.❤️

    Reply
  2. Olaniyan Mubarakah July 1, 2020 at 8:01 am

    i shut myself off from my friends because i didn’t want my sadness to project on them because i’ve felt like crying for no reason. But yeah Everything is in the hand of God

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 9:07 am

      Omo this right here

      Reply
  3. Kiki July 1, 2020 at 8:07 am

    Just when I thought it was only me life wants to kill ….it’s a good thing you have support systems to talk and rant to, I’m happy for you, not everyone has that. Cheers to a more peaceful and less tearful July

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 9:06 am

      Amen o

      Reply
  4. Steevane July 1, 2020 at 8:08 am

    God’s always there, we just need to reach out. genuinely. ❤️

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 9:06 am

      We Dey reach out but e dey be like say He no Dey fadeyi

      Reply
  5. Steevane July 1, 2020 at 8:08 am

    also pls you need to start paying jonathan mcreynolds for using him so much

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 9:06 am

      Abi he will pay me

      Reply
  6. Muminat July 1, 2020 at 8:16 am

    Sigh. Everything has just been really crazy! My mental health? Lol, my mental health has been around eggshells these past few weeks. I cry at the slightest unreasonable things, it is almost abnormal. To top it all, my own body and health has decided to mock me, I now fall sick every 2weeks like it is a normal thing…..I also find it very hard to create now. Even tho a lot of awesome ideas pop into my head, I end up drawing nonsense on my face lol. I’m tired

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 9:06 am

      Mumi sigh you’ve never drawn nonsense on your face but I’m really sorry you have to go through this

      Reply
  7. Olaowo Zainab July 1, 2020 at 8:19 am

    Thanks for this.

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 9:05 am
      Reply
  8. Lillian July 1, 2020 at 8:21 am

    First of all , welcome back . Secondly I believe this is a really trying period for all of us especially Christians. I’ve been coming in and out of self doubt and it’s such a horrible feeling for me. I’ve now decided to go through this journey called life with God because if na only me , I fit faint.

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 9:05 am

      Abeg Lillian, that last sentence

      Reply
  9. Zams July 1, 2020 at 8:22 am

    Numb is the only word close enough to describe how I’ve been feeling since mid April. I haven’t been able to write anything cause everything I try to write seems so empty and bland. This post just made me feel something I haven’t felt in months. It felt little but I know that’s a step in the right direction. Thank you Osas, for reminding me that all hope is not lost. Already looking like a good beginning to the next half of the year. Happy new month

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 9:04 am

      I really hope and pray that the next half of this year works in our favor

      Reply
  10. Nino July 1, 2020 at 8:28 am

    Stay strong. God bless.

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 9:03 am
      Reply
  11. Violet Ivory July 1, 2020 at 8:31 am

    Things have not really been easy this period, I completely understand how you feel. I try to stay strong and hope for the best but sometimes my strength fails me, I break down and it messes with my mental and emotional state of mind. But I have learnt that no matter what happens do not dwell in the sadness for too long. Stay positive, be hopeful, continue to pray and trust in God. Things will get better at God’s appointed time because he is so intentional about us. Be good Osas

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 9:02 am

      But when you’re literally jumping from one wave of sadness to another

      Reply
  12. Janey July 1, 2020 at 8:34 am

    Sis x it’s not easy & I can totally relate with how it feels to be pouring from an empty cup. I had to tell myself to stop, I was tired. I hope this new month does better for all us. Happy new month baby ✨

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 9:01 am

      I really hope it does better for us o because there’s no telling how thin the rope in standing on is

      Reply
  13. Eniola Gabriel July 1, 2020 at 8:37 am

    Having a good support system is just the best. Someone that can relate with every of your story and got your back no matter what.
    Thank you Osas for this wonderful post .

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 9:00 am

      You’re welcome

      Reply
  14. badmanmide July 1, 2020 at 8:44 am

    God got us honestly. this corona period is looking like dark times.

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 8:59 am

      It is dark times, Mide

      Reply
  15. Isioma July 1, 2020 at 8:46 am

    Happy new month to you too and thank you for this. God bless you

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 8:59 am

      Amen

      Reply
  16. Fey July 1, 2020 at 8:49 am

    First of all Osas! Who did this makeup!? lemme go back n read the blog post I dey come

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 8:59 am

      Lmaaaao

      Reply
  17. Fey July 1, 2020 at 8:54 am

    Finally someone speaking my mind…. I’ve been in the same fix difference is I’ve not been crying I’ve just be blank….. I find myself asking “God what is happening gangan” “God abeg”
    I feel like alot of us need therapy after this year. It’s traumatic.
    And your makeup is not from here! Lol

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 8:59 am

      Omo I agree to that therapist part but what’s the guarantee that our to-be therapist isn’t going through a lot to

      Reply
  18. Isabel July 1, 2020 at 8:55 am

    Happy new month Osas. When I feel mentally affected by the things on social media, I shut down on all platforms till I ”regain consciousness” because I value my mental health so much having been a constant victim of depression. If I am not strong enough, how do I want to be strong for those I care about? So I am intentional about my peace of mind.

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 8:57 am

      There’s this angle too. I always find time to go off and replenish but when at 3am in the morning, I remember that I have to wake up with unsolved problems, sigh

      Reply
      1. Isabel July 1, 2020 at 9:08 am

        I think how you ”replenish” kind of matters. I don’t know about you, but some people just choose not to think about what’s going on, some use alcohol, etc. But they will always come back. And I believe what you did when you replenished will determine how you respond to it when it comes back.

        Reply
  19. Hafeezah Salau July 1, 2020 at 9:03 am

    Osas, you literally put how I feel into words. I have been trying to express it for a long ass while now, but I find it hard to write or do anything, really. It’s even worse because I barely have anyone to talk to, and people don’t take me seriously. At some point, I was crying everyday, but rn, I’m just numb and I feel like my tear glands have dried up and I’m so exhausted. It’s crazy, but I hope we get through it somehow. Also, I got you for life, jsyk❤️

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 9:26 am

      My love, you’re amazing and I always take you serious because you’ve never hidden your struggles in the almost five years that I’ve known you

      Reply
  20. Isabel July 1, 2020 at 9:04 am

    I lock up, plug in my earphones, and pray. With my tears, with my screams, with my whispers, awkward laughters and all mixed emotions. I pray till the point where I cannot pray anymore. I pray, pushing myself past my normal limit. I pray for peace. I pray for safety for my loved ones, mentioning each of their names at times. I pray for grace to guard my heart, I pray against depression. Any other thing that comes to mind. I pray till all my voice has gone. I pray till I feel the peace I’m seeking. I just feel like a blanket of calmness covering me. And then I just go and sleep. I take like one or two more days off, till I’m sure my ”head is correct”, then I come back. When I’m back, I’m still able to sympathise, I’m able to raise awareness and all that, but with a more composed line of thought, with my head in place. Thanks for sharing your story. Hope this helps too. ❤

    Reply
  21. Wande July 1, 2020 at 9:07 am

    See Osas, yesterday again, I had the usual “let me just give up” thought. I am tired, I don’t want to do anything anymore and it’s not because I’m lazy or something but I keep asking myself that “what are the things you’ve done previously yielded?” I’m losing friends, it hurts really but I really hope I don’t get to the point where I’ll lose myself but for now, I’ll keep holding on.

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 9:20 am

      Wande, I’m really so sorry

      Reply
  22. Isabel July 1, 2020 at 9:11 am

    Like your makeup, where you started poorly but keep getting better with every try, I hope you get your peace of mind back. Nobody has it all figured out and never will, but I hope you are able to respond better, and feel better ultimately. So much love from me to you❤❤❤❤

    Reply
  23. Nifemi July 1, 2020 at 9:22 am

    You are strengthened dear❤️

    Reply
  24. Mide July 1, 2020 at 9:23 am

    This lifted my mood, it’s been really rough for me since January, and seeing people on social media doing so well can be depressing, and like you I’ve been doubting a God, giving my life to Christ and collecting it right back. Knowing I’m not alone is soothing, we’d get there my love❤️❤️❤️

    Reply
  25. Yowa July 1, 2020 at 9:24 am

    Happy New Month boo!
    I can totally relate but we won’t give up reaching out and trusting him, I pray he gives us stress to persevere because sometimes its really beyond our strength.

    Btw your makeup had me kikikikiii but I’m glad you got better!

    Reply
  26. NumberOne July 1, 2020 at 9:26 am

    Happy new month to you too boo. I’m glad I can now freely say I’m fine w/o feeling like I’m lying to myself. At the beginning of this pandemic, I started to feel so useless, I wasn’t making sales as I used to and I almost fell into mad depresh… but I found a family in my local church and just like your makeup, I kept trying new ways and letting people guide me and just support me. Atm, I’m not where I wanna be yet, but omo I’m happy. Sending hearts to everyone
    And oh the pandemic made me discover Tiktok

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 10:29 pm

      Tiktok should actually pay you because you entertained us like crazy

      Reply
  27. Simisanya July 1, 2020 at 9:56 am

    It is well Osas

    Reply
  28. Olasubomi July 1, 2020 at 10:11 am

    We’re all getting undone these days. And I think it’s important for us to be very selective about what we feed our minds with. Our limits are being tested with all that’s going on and we’re finding ourselves doubting all that we once believed. I’m glad you’re deciding to trust God and let His will be done. I would also like you to try, as difficult as it may seem, to see the bright line in every dark cloud. Count your blessings everyday, it really helps. And also realize this, you can’t solve every problem in the world by yourself. You try, and that’s what matters. I’m so sorry you’re going through all these. I’ll pray for you❤️

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 10:28 pm

      Thank you Subomi

      Reply
  29. Jayeola Babafemi July 1, 2020 at 10:47 am

    Everything will be fine one day. It is well

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 10:28 pm

      Amen

      Reply
  30. Anjola July 1, 2020 at 11:45 am

    You spoke my mind, I’m honestly just tired

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 10:27 pm

      Stay strong

      Reply
  31. Tee July 1, 2020 at 12:12 pm

    Osassssss. I can’t even find answer to “how are you” I guess my answer turns out more like a question-I’m fine? Lol
    Osas, I’m scared for my now, I’m scared for tomorrow.. but I’ve made myself numb. I distract myself with lotta things during the day but at night? Osas at night?! Hmmm
    I know say God Dey sha

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 10:27 pm

      You see that night time? It’s very dangerous

      Reply
  32. Bisi July 1, 2020 at 12:20 pm

    It gets better I guess, there’s always a moment of uncertainty before a breakthrough.

    Reply
  33. Ayomide July 1, 2020 at 12:24 pm

    God is always around, it is for us to connect to Him. I think this pandemic and staying at home has caused so many things and has allowed us to really be honest with our relationship with God.
    What I can tell you is to *ask Him to be real to you*
    Avoid any thing that will cause a barrier between you and God(sin).

    Reply
  34. Dar_h_mie July 1, 2020 at 12:59 pm

    I literally fought with everyone about the rape case I couldn’t not even cry because I know the tear won’t do any justice, praying to God for healing hoping on the good things it haven’t been easy though but I guess God has his own plan and he will make good thing out of us ….
    Happy new month b

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 8:40 pm

      Amen o

      Reply
  35. Brownie Vocal July 1, 2020 at 6:44 pm

    My mental health has really been on a rollercoaster ride. I’ve gone from avoiding a few pages and handles to avoiding the whole app to avoiding the whole of social media all at once. Sigh.
    I really do hope it gets better.

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 8:39 pm

      I hope so too

      Reply
  36. Lanre Shonubi July 1, 2020 at 6:51 pm

    Osas this is a bold and huge step to being better… I guess it’s time to focus on being better I am so proud that to could put your thoughts together, I am still in the stage of putting my thoughts together as so Much as happened in my life that made me question God and my faith in his but he reminded me of a word he gave me some years back , I was in so much pain and anger! So much anger, disgust, disbelieve amongst other things but constantly the spirit reminds as I have asked… I had to tell God I can’t remind myself again mehn, I just handed it over to him and since then I guess his spirit has been doing so well but like I said, I am still figuring my feelings out and I hope that when I do I’d be able to share with you as you have done with me… thank you very much Osas! Bless your heart… don’t also forget! Your feelings are very valid

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 8:39 pm

      Your faith inspires me a lot Lanre. I remember your story and I see your statuses about God and I begin to wonder where you got your own strength from. I love you and I got you

      Reply
  37. Madamidola Rafiat Olamide July 1, 2020 at 7:27 pm

    At some point, you feel like you’re loosing it and other times you are happy. Anytime i feel like I’m loosing it, I’d just go off and be observing cos i literally cannot pour out from an empty cup. I just need you to know that you’re not alone and God would not put you in a situation that He knows you that you cannot handle. You got this!❤
    Hopefully everything ends soon by God’s grace. Hang in there and keep praying ❤

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 8:37 pm

      Amen

      Reply
  38. Abisoye Odunaro July 1, 2020 at 8:01 pm

    Honestly, sometimes you need a break and if there’s one thing I’ve learnt this year is that it’s okay to not be okay. This has helped me be more calm with myself. Being a waiting season can be so hard especially when nothing around you is working. I had to take a break from social media. I deactivated my account because I was just done with the bad news. It’s okay to cry, you’re not crazy. It’s okay to be angry but like the song says, brighter days will come. Love you ❤️

    Reply
    1. Osas - Site Author July 1, 2020 at 8:37 pm

      My baby girl, I love you

      Reply
  39. Marsh July 2, 2020 at 12:27 am

    Things have just been so rough, but you know God has never promised that the journey was ever going to be easy. Plus he’s the Alpha and Omega and I know for sure he will never leave or forsake us. Last Last everything is going to be fine. Please never stop advising me sha. God bless us all.

    Reply
  40. Stella July 2, 2020 at 1:01 am

    This is really pure and real. May God see you through everything you’re processing so you’ll keep shining like the star that your are. Thanks for this, God bless you.

    Reply
  41. Oshone July 2, 2020 at 2:32 am

    Sometimes I just smile and smile so they don’t get worried about me
    Recently a friend found out how sad I get and has been trying since then to get me to open up but mehnn its hard

    Reply
  42. Benita Aramide July 2, 2020 at 7:47 am

    Hi, Virtous. I totally relate to this and I’m glad that someone else understands perfectly. Maverick city music has really helped me get through this time and keep my faith strong. I suggest you start with “Real thing”, “Communion” and finally, “Intercession” by Kirk Franklin. I really do hope you take out time to check them out. Stay safe and I love you so so. ❤️

    Reply
  43. shedrack Emmanuel July 13, 2020 at 1:03 pm

    God know I needed this post, thought I was the only one going through this. At times waking up and seeing the happenings in this country, living don’t just seem worth It for me. One could even be contented and happy but seeing how others are suffering unjustly and not being able to help them even when you want to hurts deeply. There at times I will be lost in my thinking, I use to question God why this, why that. Growing up my only purpose of living was to take care of my grandma, now she’s gone and I can’t find any purpose to keep living anymore. I’m just still here because I know how bad my mom would feel with my loss. Honestly I’m tired of growth, miss the good old days.

    Reply
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