If you live in Lagos and you’re trying to get an apartment, I commend you for participating in this extreme sport.
Now playing: Wonderland by Efeoraka
When I said it few weeks ago that Lagos landlords are extremists, it looked and sounded like I was blowing things out of proportion but after my friend had to claim that she was married in order to secure an apartment, I thought nothing they did could ever surprise me again until my male friend went through a totally different ordeal.
He had been on about this apartment search since December and it always met him at a dead end because these landlords are not smiling with anybody’s father.
About a week ago, he was casually talking to his client when he mentioned that he needed an apartment big enough to contain all his photography equipments but he had not found the perfect one yet, she offered to renew the rent of the apartment where her sister used to stay for my friend and her brother while he continued his search and of course, who no like better thing?
In this case, the house was owned by a woman and in the briefings given to them by their agent, they had to appear before her looking like responsible young men as she was keen on who she let into her house and so they did.
They got there looking like the most responsible bachelors in Lagos. Well, my friend did but his client’s brother came as he was – unbothered.
After going round the house and getting the final rent balance, the landlady said ‘oya let’s talk’ and sat down like a Queen.
Her ground rules were:
⁃ No coming into the compound later than 8pm (in this Lagos o)
⁃ If they ever stayed out beyond 8pm, they shouldn’t even bother coming home because she would not answer them if they knocked (even our extreme parents didn’t go this far)
⁃ All visitors must be assessed by her before coming into her compound (yes ma, Access me and tell me to leave the compound)
⁃ There would be only one key to the gate and it was going to be with her, if they ever needed to go out or come in, they would need to call her first. The gate was going to be locked at all times (because she’s the one that gave birth to them)
⁃ No female visitors (my friends and I planned to disguise as evangelists on every Sunday so we could gain access into the house, especially when we needed to shoot and maybe his own girlfriend would come in disguised as a man)
⁃ They would both come to her for spiritual counseling as often as possible (because mentorship)
⁃ And most importantly, they would always follow her to camp whenever she was going (one of these two human male soon to be tenant is a Muslim)
At this point, my friend lost it and asked that she adopted them as her children and refunded their money so they could live as puppets in her house because they could not live like that at the expense of their own money.
Well, she agreed to one thing and that was refunding their money if they couldn’t live with her rules and she did in twenty four hours. It took this encounter for us to realize that it had to be landed properties before mobile ones because ‘Lagos don tear our eye.’
Anyway, the story has a great ending. My friend has gotten a better apartment where he had to lie that he’s married with an adult kid (me) on the form.
I’d rather this than having to disguise as a man to visit my friend.
While we’re here, watch my introduce yourself video here and get to know more about me.
YOU KNOW I’LL ALWAYS ASK, HAVE YOU EVER ENCOUNTERED A LAGOS LANDLORD?
ARE YOUR PARENTS SUCH LANDLORDS?
WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE IF YOU WERE IN THE SAME ROOM WITH THE LANDLADY WHEN SHE WAS SPEAKING?
WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE IF YOU WERE IN THEIR SHOES?