In case you’re struggling too.

I’m doing this blog post to let you know that you’re not alone and we can overcome these issues.

Now playing: Jonathan McReynolds- Cycles

 

See, the devil learns from your mistakes even if you don’t, that’s how he keeps you in cycles – excerpts from the song.

 

I have, over the past year struggled with anger and pain, it has become so normal now that my friends describe me with the attribute- always angry. This, unfortunately is not how I want to be known.

A little back story before I pass my message across.

I grew up in a not-so-friendly-neighborhood because everybody was being raised to survive and not to grow, it was hard to make friends and keep them mainly because we were all trained to see each other as rivals, it was my duty to not let any of the neighborhood kids that were in the same class with me in the same school, take first. I had one head and it had to be bigger than others’.

When at the start of my junior secondary school year, my father told me that I wasn’t going to be attending the private school of my choice because he did not have the money to pay the school fees but alternatively, he had registered me at one of the best public schools in Lagos, I almost ran mad with grief.

For one, it was going to reduce the reputation I had managed to build in my fifth and last primary school and it was going to be embarrassing seeing that all my primary school friends had crossed over to that particular private school. People that went to that school were regarded with respect and held in high esteem because the school fees was loud and I had planned to use that to gain respect in that area but alas, it wasn’t to be so.

I had to cut my long hair and adapt to the life of a public school student, I watched all my former classmates go the the private school in absolute shame and I’d remind my dad that I didn’t want to go past three terms in that public school, in tears.

I resented every bit of going to school that year and I didn’t fail to show it, I had fallen from top of the class to 8th and didn’t mind at all. When I was asked, I’d say that nothing was conducive about the environment hence learning was hard.

All of these actions slowly built up this rage inside me, slowly my rage graduated to anger and I kept them bottled up. I was stubborn but not crazy enough to display such anger in front of my parents because their beatings was something every child loved to avoid.

My school was notorious for bloodshed and this contributed to my hatred for it but all of these did not faze my father. At the end of third term, I converted all my anger to tears and spilled them in front of my father begging to be taken to the private school.

He agreed.

Best believe that the anger that I had taken one year to build inside of me remained and got distributed evenly to issues that required my reaction.

Everyone attributed it to my being a hormonal teenager and relied on the fact that it was a phase and it would eventually pass.

It didn’t pass, it just went into hiding because I didn’t grow up in a place where children/teenagers were allowed to express themselves.

This issue reared its ugly head again earlier this year when I had to confront a doctor face on.

The flipside of all of these is that my anger didn’t come with violence, it came with pure malice and hatred, everything I had managed to suppress inside for years came rushing out with a dose of adrenaline early this year.

It felt good, so good that I allowed it become a part of me. This whole year had me angry, confrontational and malicious.

See, the devil learns from your mistakes even if you don’t, that’s how he keeps you in cycles – This just sums up everything I’ve let myself go through this year.

Have I ever reacted without thinking? Yes

Have I been trying to work on myself? Yes.

Am I trying to stop? Yes

Last week, on this blog, when I said that I was going to speak positive things into my life for the rest of the year, I meant it and it worked and I’ve not had a cause to overreact and get angry at anything since then, not even Lagos traffic.

I plan to keep this up with efforts backed up by prayers but I realize that I am just one out of many struggling with a minimal part of this chain, so I’ll ask:

DO YOU STRUGGLE WITH ANYTHING THAT KEEPS YOU IN CYCLES?

 

DO YOU SUFFER ANY FORM OF ADDICTION?

 

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO BREAK FREE? SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCE.

 

DO YOU NEED ANY HELP BREAKING FREE FROM ANY FORM OF STRUGGLE?

 

HOW OFTEN DO YOU TALK TO GOD ABOUT THESE STRUGGLES?

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19 Comments

  1. Omowonuola December 21, 2018 at 3:52 am

    Great one Osas……I\’ll start the positive speaking from now on

    Reply
  2. Tee December 21, 2018 at 4:51 am

    I’m always angry like I get angry easily and to be honest, it’s frustrating but it happens a lot and people are aware of it and they think it’s cool to always bring it up but it isn’t. I’ve tried to reduce the way I get angry but people can just be so annoying. Addicted to a particular thing and I’ve tried several times but I always get the same results. I’ve talked to people about it, I’ve prayed about it but I’ve seen no change and I’m not going to give up. I’ll keep on praying and trying several methods.
    It’s kind of hard to talk to God about it when the frustration is already there.

    Reply
  3. Lope December 21, 2018 at 7:20 am

    Addiction addiction addiction, lol, I am literally swimming in this word, some I can share, some I don\’t dare share because people will look and think of me as the devil himself, well, I always had this bitter attitude towards people.
    I have worked towards this, which helped me with more friends this year, though I still feel as its still a part of me, but with God all things are possible.. My other addiction needs deep and intense therapeutic counselling, yes, I know!!

    Reply
    1. osas December 21, 2018 at 10:33 am

      Addiction is not a part of you and it can never be. God will help you my love

      Reply
      1. Lope December 22, 2018 at 1:57 am

        Amen baby girl, thanks b

        Reply
  4. Thebanjo__ December 21, 2018 at 9:39 am

    When I was little I used to be a very cute child that smiles almost every time to everything but when I got admission to my boarding school, I became the opposite of cute, I get really angry at little things I could overlook and I started breaking things when it got to that that\’s when I knew I needed help. I could be talking to my friends and I\’ll just switch all moody and angry but I\’ve been trying to work on myself really and I think I\’ve made progress, a lot of progress, I laugh more. But I still have crazy thoughts of getting angry and scattering everywhere like all these agbero boys but God made us like he is and he wouldn\’t do that.

    Reply
  5. Banjidriggz December 21, 2018 at 10:25 am

    I use to get angry at one point in my life because I felt an overwhelming feeling of superiority. Basically pride. But I didn\’t want to be like that. I tired to understand why I get mad easily, I figured it was pride. I took it has a conscious act and reminder that pride is the biggest fall of man, and humility lifts a man. It became a part of me to let go. So what I have learnt, first figure out why you have the issue, admit you do and be ready to change. Make it a conscious effort and see how you become better. Thanks Osas for sharing.

    Reply
  6. Marviee December 21, 2018 at 10:45 am

    Well… I too have anger issues which I\’m trying so hard to control and get over with… And I feel sad most of the time… I tend to shut people out and just want to be alone…
    Buh I\’m trying so hard to change… It\’s not easy bcos at times when faced with a little situation I find myself going back to that state again…

    Reply
    1. osas December 21, 2018 at 10:53 am

      Slowly but surely, you\’ll get there

      Reply
  7. Greatness December 21, 2018 at 11:59 am

    You\’re an amazing writer and I love how you express yourself.
    Keep up the good work.

    Reply
  8. lammidey_arewa December 21, 2018 at 3:49 pm

    Awesome post Osas……tbh this is my first time going through any of your posts…. Great great!!!

    Reply
  9. osas December 21, 2018 at 4:18 pm

    Wow. You see this your comment? This is a whole new blog post and I\’ll be treating this as the first topic of the year in January

    Reply
  10. Styleeeeeeee December 21, 2018 at 8:32 pm

    Battling anxiety, don’t even know how to deal with it. It’s crazy and I get overwhelmed easily but I’m getting so much better I’m proud of myself. I always say no matter what a child is going through or how your friend behaves, the way he/she was raised is a major part of that behavior.

    Reply
    1. osas December 21, 2018 at 9:13 pm

      Why are you sounding deep

      Reply
  11. a fan December 22, 2018 at 1:06 am

    Anger: After my mother passed away I had so much anger and hatred inside of me. I hated everyone who at one time met and knew her especially my father. It was misplaced and irrational because I was really just angry at myself (long story). It was scary because how can you hate your own father (especially when he did nothing wrong) .But when I let God step in he made it easy to let go of the hate.
    Ive been listening to cycles and comparison kills a lot lately and ive been really committed to letting God break the depression cycle in my life. Sooo thanks osas for the plug. I dont know where Jonathan mccreynolds has been hiding all my life but thank you for the connect.

    Reply
    1. osas December 22, 2018 at 1:11 am

      To be honest, Jonathan has been my coping mechanism. He\’s so timely and he makes me happy. I\’m so glad you let God in to work on you

      Reply
  12. osas December 22, 2018 at 1:09 am

    I totally relate to that last part. No amount of hardguy can make you immune to that thing

    Reply
  13. Nazam January 16, 2019 at 9:11 pm

    And yes o I need help with the shyness. If you know remedies, please let me know.

    Reply
    1. osas January 16, 2019 at 11:30 pm

      Lmao I’ll ask around

      Reply

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