In case you’re struggling too.

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I’m doing this blog post to let you know that you’re not alone and we can overcome these issues.

Now playing: Jonathan McReynolds- Cycles

 

See, the devil learns from your mistakes even if you don’t, that’s how he keeps you in cycles – excerpts from the song.

 

I have, over the past year struggled with anger and pain, it has become so normal now that my friends describe me with the attribute- always angry. This, unfortunately is not how I want to be known.

A little back story before I pass my message across.

I grew up in a not-so-friendly-neighborhood because everybody was being raised to survive and not to grow, it was hard to make friends and keep them mainly because we were all trained to see each other as rivals, it was my duty to not let any of the neighborhood kids that were in the same class with me in the same school, take first. I had one head and it had to be bigger than others’.

When at the start of my junior secondary school year, my father told me that I wasn’t going to be attending the private school of my choice because he did not have the money to pay the school fees but alternatively, he had registered me at one of the best public schools in Lagos, I almost ran mad with grief.

For one, it was going to reduce the reputation I had managed to build in my fifth and last primary school and it was going to be embarrassing seeing that all my primary school friends had crossed over to that particular private school. People that went to that school were regarded with respect and held in high esteem because the school fees was loud and I had planned to use that to gain respect in that area but alas, it wasn’t to be so.

I had to cut my long hair and adapt to the life of a public school student, I watched all my former classmates go the the private school in absolute shame and I’d remind my dad that I didn’t want to go past three terms in that public school, in tears.

I resented every bit of going to school that year and I didn’t fail to show it, I had fallen from top of the class to 8th and didn’t mind at all. When I was asked, I’d say that nothing was conducive about the environment hence learning was hard.

All of these actions slowly built up this rage inside me, slowly my rage graduated to anger and I kept them bottled up. I was stubborn but not crazy enough to display such anger in front of my parents because their beatings was something every child loved to avoid.

My school was notorious for bloodshed and this contributed to my hatred for it but all of these did not faze my father. At the end of third term, I converted all my anger to tears and spilled them in front of my father begging to be taken to the private school.

He agreed.

Best believe that the anger that I had taken one year to build inside of me remained and got distributed evenly to issues that required my reaction.

Everyone attributed it to my being a hormonal teenager and relied on the fact that it was a phase and it would eventually pass.

It didn’t pass, it just went into hiding because I didn’t grow up in a place where children/teenagers were allowed to express themselves.

This issue reared its ugly head again earlier this year when I had to confront a doctor face on.

The flipside of all of these is that my anger didn’t come with violence, it came with pure malice and hatred, everything I had managed to suppress inside for years came rushing out with a dose of adrenaline early this year.

It felt good, so good that I allowed it become a part of me. This whole year had me angry, confrontational and malicious.

See, the devil learns from your mistakes even if you don’t, that’s how he keeps you in cycles – This just sums up everything I’ve let myself go through this year.

Have I ever reacted without thinking? Yes

Have I been trying to work on myself? Yes.

Am I trying to stop? Yes

Last week, on this blog, when I said that I was going to speak positive things into my life for the rest of the year, I meant it and it worked and I’ve not had a cause to overreact and get angry at anything since then, not even Lagos traffic.

I plan to keep this up with efforts backed up by prayers but I realize that I am just one out of many struggling with a minimal part of this chain, so I’ll ask:

DO YOU STRUGGLE WITH ANYTHING THAT KEEPS YOU IN CYCLES?

 

DO YOU SUFFER ANY FORM OF ADDICTION?

 

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO BREAK FREE? SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCE.

 

DO YOU NEED ANY HELP BREAKING FREE FROM ANY FORM OF STRUGGLE?

 

HOW OFTEN DO YOU TALK TO GOD ABOUT THESE STRUGGLES?

37 COMMENTS

  1. At home I’m always angry, I escalate little things and jt affects my relationship with my mum, we close and all but then I get angry and seem disrespectful but she raised me better than that. My brothers find me hard to approach sometimes 💔😪 and it’s sad .

    Addicted to stuff, prayed about some and stopped but I don’t pray enough or regularly, I hardly do., Something I want to change also.

    Wonderful post tho❤️❤️❤️

    • Wow💔💔 I honestly feel you should build a relationship with your siblings because at the end of the day, they’re the most important

  2. I’m always angry like I get angry easily and to be honest, it’s frustrating but it happens a lot and people are aware of it and they think it’s cool to always bring it up but it isn’t. I’ve tried to reduce the way I get angry but people can just be so annoying. Addicted to a particular thing and I’ve tried several times but I always get the same results. I’ve talked to people about it, I’ve prayed about it but I’ve seen no change and I’m not going to give up. I’ll keep on praying and trying several methods.
    It’s kind of hard to talk to God about it when the frustration is already there.

    • Wow 😪😪😪 it’s not hard to talk to God if you’re willing to talk to Him. I really hope working this out works out for you. Tell your friends to stop bringing it up unnecessarily

  3. Addiction addiction addiction, lol, I am literally swimming in this word, some I can share, some I don’t dare share because people will look and think of me as the devil himself, well, I always had this bitter attitude towards people.
    I have worked towards this, which helped me with more friends this year, though I still feel as its still a part of me, but with God all things are possible.. My other addiction needs deep and intense therapeutic counselling, yes, I know!!

  4. When I was little I used to be a very cute child that smiles almost every time to everything but when I got admission to my boarding school, I became the opposite of cute, I get really angry at little things I could overlook and I started breaking things when it got to that that’s when I knew I needed help. I could be talking to my friends and I’ll just switch all moody and angry but I’ve been trying to work on myself really and I think I’ve made progress, a lot of progress, I laugh more. But I still have crazy thoughts of getting angry and scattering everywhere like all these agbero boys but God made us like he is and he wouldn’t do that.

  5. I use to get angry at one point in my life because I felt an overwhelming feeling of superiority. Basically pride. But I didn’t want to be like that. I tired to understand why I get mad easily, I figured it was pride. I took it has a conscious act and reminder that pride is the biggest fall of man, and humility lifts a man. It became a part of me to let go. So what I have learnt, first figure out why you have the issue, admit you do and be ready to change. Make it a conscious effort and see how you become better. Thanks Osas for sharing.

  6. Well… I too have anger issues which I’m trying so hard to control and get over with… And I feel sad most of the time… I tend to shut people out and just want to be alone…
    Buh I’m trying so hard to change… It’s not easy bcos at times when faced with a little situation I find myself going back to that state again…

  7. I’m always upset because I hate the fact that I have to study law and I’m doing badly at school. My Dad hates make up and that’s one way I know how to channel my creativity and I have to do my make up and hide in the bathroom so that he doesn’t see me. I’m a very creative and restless person and it make’s me mad that I have to cage myself in these walls so I’m always upset and I recently asked to change my course but he said I should work hard and I’m lazy. He always says I’m lazy. I’m very smart but I’m not blooming where I’ve been planted and I can’t do my make up as often the frustration just builds up and I get really sad and I’m rude to my mum and my friends and I just feel trapped and I have nightmares because I’m troubled so I don’t sleep at night and I’m always sleeping in the morning and I’m tired and unproductive and late for my internship and next thing I hear is you’re lazy, is this how a lawyer behaves?
    It just makes me angry inside of me most times and I just want to be able to fly without fear of anyone clipping my wings.😣

  8. Battling anxiety, don’t even know how to deal with it. It’s crazy and I get overwhelmed easily but I’m getting so much better I’m proud of myself. I always say no matter what a child is going through or how your friend behaves, the way he/she was raised is a major part of that behavior.

  9. Lovely write up Osas💜
    I’ve always been the outspoken girl but then I became extra defensive getting into boarding school, being unnecessarily rude to people just so they won’t take advantage of me (because of my height), I didn’t care about it and I talked to anyone anyhow but somehow I escaped beating..I really don’t know how 😂…but really I’ve been trying hard to control myself and not hurt people’s feelings because deep down whenever people say bad things about my attitude it gets to me😥😥

  10. Reading your post made me shed a tear I carried anger and hatred almost all my childhood for my parents it grew into something I couldn’t deal with at a point it became part of me that all my friends knew me for that buh God fixed me through prayer and my intimacy with him I love you writing you’re the absolute best osas I love you💙

  11. Anger: After my mother passed away I had so much anger and hatred inside of me. I hated everyone who at one time met and knew her especially my father. It was misplaced and irrational because I was really just angry at myself (long story). It was scary because how can you hate your own father (especially when he did nothing wrong) .But when I let God step in he made it easy to let go of the hate.
    Ive been listening to cycles and comparison kills a lot lately and ive been really committed to letting God break the depression cycle in my life. Sooo thanks osas for the plug. I dont know where Jonathan mccreynolds has been hiding all my life but thank you for the connect.

    • To be honest, Jonathan has been my coping mechanism. He’s so timely and he makes me happy. I’m so glad you let God in to work on you

  12. First of all, let me just tell you that I’ve pitched my tent on this website since yesterday and I’m loving every bit of it.
    the two things that keep me in cycles: this anger thing and my shyness( it’s not my shyness in Jesus name lol). I am not so expressive about my feelings and I bottle a lot of things up. this just builds unnecessary rage in me. My friends always complain about my frequent mood swings and honestly, I am trying to work on it. My mum says I’m always bitter because of this and it always brings a fight. I’m working on it anyways, with God.
    Then this shyness p😪 ayam tired. today I’ll tell myself I’m starting my journey on overcoming it, tomorrow I’m back. It has limited me a lottt and I see it but sometimes I feel helpless about the whole situation.

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