MAY MY WHOLE LIFE PROVE THAT GOD IS GOOD
Today, it is exactly a week that my mother said goodbye to this world.
Today, I realize that this whole thing messes with the mind more than you’d ever realize. I’m supposed to be sleeping so my whole head would be ready for today’s paper but I fear that I might eventually forget everything I’ve read like I did on Saturday.
I didn’t give this gist?
Now playing: Jonathan McReynolds- God is good
I walked into the exam hall five minutes after 9am and was greeted with pity stares from fellow course mates. I know what a pity stare looks like, I gave it to myself in the mirror for hours.
I had of course sang half of the note for that course during my walk to the department and I was so sure that I would kill that course like I had done its predecessors but apparently, my head had other plans.
I saw the questions and I, of course knew what answers belonged to the questions on the question paper but I had not enough strength to write them. I stared around and watched everybody write and as soon as I picked up the pen to write, my right hand began to shake and I began to write on the answer booklet.
Then it happened.
I forgot what it was that I had read.
Instead my head was filled with a lot of crazy WHAT IF questions.
What if I had to negotiate with death?
What if I didn’t have feelings?
What if I didn’t have God?
What if God didn’t find me worthy enough to call me His?
What if God did not give me the kind of friends I have?
What if God had forgotten to give my siblings strength?
What would become of me?
MAY MY STRUGGLES KEEP ME NEAR THE CROSS
Of course, there was no way I was going to remember what I read at this point and there was no way anybody was going to see me helpless, it had never happened. It was my first time being clueless for an exam I read for and so I put my head on the table and I slept because I wasn’t going to risk my feelings getting the better part of me.
My mind had chosen a quiet place to become creatively inquisitive, my mind had chosen the exam hall to make me helpless. I slept for an hour straight and woke up still clueless.
I knew I had to struggle to get my mind off what it was that was bothering it but I also knew that I didn’t have the strength to and it would require an outburst, I wasn’t about to let Vincent and his best friend hand me a malpractice form so I sat there, very confident of the F I would be getting in that course. It didn’t help that time slowed itself down, looked me in the eye and dared me to do my worse.
Eventually, two hours came to an end and I gingerly jumped out of my seat and submitted like I had actually written something.
I was calm.
The voices in my head were in series of arguments with themselves but I was physically calm.
I even made jokes about it.
Now I fear that the hall would be too silent by 12pm today for my mind to handle it. This is one course taken by everybody’s favorite lecturer and it will not be in my lifetime that my mind would let my body embarrass my family, me and you.
As much as I fear that my mind would not be able to survive the silence, I plan to do this exam with Jonathan McReynolds, God and everything I’ve read in my head.
If I get through this paper, I can get through anything.
WHAT IS YOUR WORST EXAMINATION EXPERIENCE?
EVER HAD TO SLEEP IN AN EXAM HALL?
WHAT IS YOUR WORST INVIGILATOR EXPERIENCE?
IF YOU’VE NEVER HAD TO EXPERIENCE THIS FORGETFULNESS, PLEASE GO ON YOUR KNEELS AND THANK THE LORD GOD.
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