I’m doing this blog post to let you know that you’re not alone and we can overcome these issues.
Now playing: Jonathan McReynolds- Cycles
See, the devil learns from your mistakes even if you don’t, that’s how he keeps you in cycles – excerpts from the song.
I have, over the past year struggled with anger and pain, it has become so normal now that my friends describe me with the attribute- always angry. This, unfortunately is not how I want to be known.
A little back story before I pass my message across.
I grew up in a not-so-friendly-neighborhood because everybody was being raised to survive and not to grow, it was hard to make friends and keep them mainly because we were all trained to see each other as rivals, it was my duty to not let any of the neighborhood kids that were in the same class with me in the same school, take first. I had one head and it had to be bigger than others’.
When at the start of my junior secondary school year, my father told me that I wasn’t going to be attending the private school of my choice because he did not have the money to pay the school fees but alternatively, he had registered me at one of the best public schools in Lagos, I almost ran mad with grief.
For one, it was going to reduce the reputation I had managed to build in my fifth and last primary school and it was going to be embarrassing seeing that all my primary school friends had crossed over to that particular private school. People that went to that school were regarded with respect and held in high esteem because the school fees was loud and I had planned to use that to gain respect in that area but alas, it wasn’t to be so.
I had to cut my long hair and adapt to the life of a public school student, I watched all my former classmates go the the private school in absolute shame and I’d remind my dad that I didn’t want to go past three terms in that public school, in tears.
I resented every bit of going to school that year and I didn’t fail to show it, I had fallen from top of the class to 8th and didn’t mind at all. When I was asked, I’d say that nothing was conducive about the environment hence learning was hard.
All of these actions slowly built up this rage inside me, slowly my rage graduated to anger and I kept them bottled up. I was stubborn but not crazy enough to display such anger in front of my parents because their beatings was something every child loved to avoid.
My school was notorious for bloodshed and this contributed to my hatred for it but all of these did not faze my father. At the end of third term, I converted all my anger to tears and spilled them in front of my father begging to be taken to the private school.
Best believe that the anger that I had taken one year to build inside of me remained and got distributed evenly to issues that required my reaction.
Everyone attributed it to my being a hormonal teenager and relied on the fact that it was a phase and it would eventually pass.
It didn’t pass, it just went into hiding because I didn’t grow up in a place where children/teenagers were allowed to express themselves.
This issue reared its ugly head again earlier this year when I had to confront a doctor face on.
The flipside of all of these is that my anger didn’t come with violence, it came with pure malice and hatred, everything I had managed to suppress inside for years came rushing out with a dose of adrenaline early this year.
It felt good, so good that I allowed it become a part of me. This whole year had me angry, confrontational and malicious.
See, the devil learns from your mistakes even if you don’t, that’s how he keeps you in cycles – This just sums up everything I’ve let myself go through this year.
Have I ever reacted without thinking? Yes
Have I been trying to work on myself? Yes.
Am I trying to stop? Yes
Last week, on this blog, when I said that I was going to speak positive things into my life for the rest of the year, I meant it and it worked and I’ve not had a cause to overreact and get angry at anything since then, not even Lagos traffic.
I plan to keep this up with efforts backed up by prayers but I realize that I am just one out of many struggling with a minimal part of this chain, so I’ll ask:
DO YOU STRUGGLE WITH ANYTHING THAT KEEPS YOU IN CYCLES?
DO YOU SUFFER ANY FORM OF ADDICTION?
HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO BREAK FREE? SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCE.
DO YOU NEED ANY HELP BREAKING FREE FROM ANY FORM OF STRUGGLE?
HOW OFTEN DO YOU TALK TO GOD ABOUT THESE STRUGGLES?